Why have I decided to quit my PhD? Academic journey and mental health … I chose me!

A new post, on my mostly dead blog ,is long overdue.

I started this blog almost 9 years ago, when I started my academic journey with the dream of becoming a full time, University lecturer. My son was 3 years old at the time and I was really eager to prove to myself and my family, that in fact I can earn my degree abroad, while also raising a child.

The atmosphere of the University was (still is) magical and it was the place where I could be myself and I had access to all the knowledge I craved. I met many inspiring lecturers, and I did great despite the fact, that English is my second language. In the last year, I went through divorce, and also developed celiac disease, which had an impact on my mental health. At this point, my supervisor advised me to interrupt and complete my dissertation later- but I refused as my research degree place was waiting for me! Clearly, my body was trying to tell me, to take a break, to slow down and process the end of my marriage- but I ignored the signs because I was too ambitious. In fact, despite everything I managed to get an overall first and in the following September, I started my Research degree.I did feel uninspired at times, at this point I even interrupted as I could not ignore the signs anymore. Despite this, I enjoyed my topic and felt fully supported by the University to achieve my end goal. I pushed on, and 2 years on, I did receive my Masters by Research degree (Social Policy). What helped me to continue, despite not having the best mental health throughout he degree, was the fact that I love studying and also was offered to teach on the Psychology course at the University. While teaching, some of the most amazing lecturers keep gave me opportunities – such as presenting my Masters research at the annual British Psychology Society Conference (read about this here) and also had my research published as a book chapter (see here). Also, teaching gave me a confidence and served as a “proof” to myself, that being an academic is the right fit for me and this is where I should be heading. That is why, when the Student Loan Company decided to extend student loans to PhD programs from 2018, it was a no brainer for me, and applied for a PhD program so that I can become a lecturer full time. Of course, I applied for 2 funded scholarships as well, but these are extremely rare and I have not got in. But later on, I was offered a place by another University (self-funded) project, which was the right fit and even though it was nerve racking to leave my University behind, I was ready to embark on a new journey. At that point, I had a discussion with lecturers at the University where I completed my first two degrees, and agreed it would be better to do my PhD there, while I was also working. So, despite feeling already exhausted mentally after studying since 2013, I started my PhD in January 2020. I felt proud, excited and scared all at once, probably because deep inside, I knew I am not in the right shape mentally…but everyone believed in me and that gave me a boost. Great things were happening for me and I felt, I am closer to my original dream than ever, I am on my way to become Dr Ivett Racz!

Of course, as we all know, a few months later COVID19 hit…and again, there was another huge thing that has impacted on my mental health but I was not alone. The University – more specifically, the Psychology Department-has been supportive and I was offered an additional post, to support students with academic skills during the pandemic. I was now teaching on 3-4 modules a term, while offered students the support on 1 to 1 via meetings and emails as well, as was trying to focus on my PhD- while the Pandaemia was in full bloom. As a result, the PhD was the last thing I had the chance to attend to- and to be honest, I did not feel I had the right support from the admin side of the University in relation to my PhD either. Because of this, I started to avoid thinking about the PhD and focus on teaching and supporting students, as this is where I got all the positive feedback from. There was a real tension between the fact, that I felt more and more capable at teaching and less confident at studying with each day. I love(d) the University environment and I definitely felt, that this is where I wanted to work…but at the same time, the process of the PhD got more and more daunting and at times, I did not feel like going in at all. I still got the occasional boost from time to time, after a supervision session or at research meetings but they lasted for days instead of weeks, and the blues lasted for months at times.

My decision to quit did not happen overnight, those months was torturous on the inside, even though, perhaps people thought I am ok. Inside my head, I tortured myself …feeling guilty for letting my supervisors down, feeling disappointed in myself and feeling inferior to anyone else, who coped much better than me and actually made progress…despite their own challenges. So, the glorious PhD which I dreamt of for so long, became the source of my suffering and it took a toll on my mental health. The things no one prepares for you – or if they try to, you brush it off- the whole process can be very lonely and dark and if you do not have the adequate support system around you, you either fail or carry own and get broken (or, if you are anything like me- with the help of self-awareness you quite to save yourself). I know, it sounds dramatic but it is true. I did not stop, because my topic was shit (sorry), or because I am incapable (even though I started to think that at some point), but because I had to choose me for once! I am someone who kept pleasing people around me for approval…no doubt about that. But my psychology and counselling training really helped me to realise those things and actually, made me more self-aware. Thanks to that, I catch myself in action – while people pleasing or judging others too quickly and adjust my behaviour.

It was a tough decision and did not have any idea how will I cope with and how can I move forward without damaging my ego. Looking back, my way of coping with this was…to tell everyone that maybe I will stop it…for months. Of course, I told friends and family first …then some academic friends and then one day, it hit me. I am really going to quit! Once I realised the World will not stop, people will not judge as harshly as I thought (or I will not care as much as a I thought to be more precise)- it was easy. I just needed the approval from myself..which I gained by securing a full time job at the University and that was it! I am starting my new job tomorrow and I am excited. Of course, one day…I might say, ok let’s do a PhD but I learnt during the past 9 years and PhD is not the end goal. A happy and healthy life is and mental health has a huge part in this!

So, I chose me and my mental health instead of the shiny PhD for now and could not be prouder of myself:)!

In hindsight, the fact, that I had to interrupt during my masters, and it felt very difficult to carry on with my research at times,